driving. contagious giggles erupt, i glance in my mirror, i see boys silly smiles, pretend sneezes making sister laugh. an old woman watering dry patches of withered grass in her front yard. and light, glorious light pouring in my window, blinding my eyes i blink away the glory. and i hold it, that moment, i hold it. i suck the feeling of absolute joy out of this moment like squeezing the last drop of juice from a nearly drained orange. i want it all. every.last.drop.
interrupted. shouts blasting from the back seat.
my courageous one shouts repeatedly halting my poetic moment. and i said it, i actually said this. “stop. go back to laughing with your sister.” go back to that harmonious moment when all of earth fell perfectly into place. i was annoyed that he took that away from me. annoyed that no matter how hard i try to stuff moments into my soul, i can’t contain them. i can’t hold onto happiness to make me happy. happiness isn’t a prescribed pill to fix whats been broken. the more we try to hook happiness to fill us, the more desperate we get to find it. the more we use happiness to heal us, the more it disappoints.
when we use happiness inappropriately we miss it entirely. happiness is a sign to see eternity. instead of using it to see the heavens we tend to strangle it for survival. so i open my hands, i open my heart. receive and be received. happiness, perhaps just a pathway to see the heavenlies.
(can you see the despair in his eyes?!?)
have a ‘happy’ wednesday