my birthday felt comfortable. i mean that in the most wonderful sense. it felt like wearing your favorite pair of jeans. like somehow my birthday fit me perfectly. birthdays, for me, have always carried an enormous amount of pressure and high unreachable expectations. but this year i let those things go. most of you reading this probably ‘let go’ of those high unreachable expectations after your 10th birthday. not me. yes, i’ve suffered from ‘its all about me birthday disease’ for about 32 years. i’m not gonna lie, i love when people sing me happy birthday, in public, and really loud. so when i told sam i didn’t want to do anything for number 32, i think he didn’t believe me and probably feared i was saying do nothing was code for- throw me a big really huge surprise party. but 32 wasn’t a celebration with sparklers and surprises, it was, well, comfortable. a day filled with everything i love.
you see i have been wanting to turn 32 for a while now. a few years back a good friend of mine said when she turned 32 everything in her life clicked. like all the missing pieces somehow fell into place. she said it over and over… “32 is gonna be your year.” anytime i’d share a struggle she would just respond, “just wait till you’re 32.” and i am happy to say that after 3 days of being 32, i love it.
come a little closer. yes, you. lean in. pull that chair a little closer to the screen cause i have to tell you something.
i bought running shoes. (insert a mighty gasp here). deep breath, now go ahead and relax. what i’m saying is this…
i’m changing. i’m 32 and i’m changing. if you know me personally or even via my blog, you know i don’t run. for years, seriously years, i have talked about running, but never have i actually run. a few weeks ago i bought running shoes. it felt symbolic for some reason. buying shoes was me saying, “i’m going to change.”
you see running for me isn’t about running. it is about changing. it is about believing that the parts of who i am, the strains and struggles of my life, are not what stop me. running isn’t about training for a race. it is about changing. somehow if change can happen in an area that i am truly terrible at (running) then other areas of my life can change too. i refuse to stay stagnant. i won’t let age peg me into a box labeled, “that’s just the way i am.” if birthdays make me realize anything, it is that i don’t want to just live, i want to be alive. so every other day i lace up my neon shoes and i run. well, most people would call what i do jogging fast walking. (which is an olympic sport i might add! so don’t be dissing.)
this year for me is about change. and running for me is my reminder that anyone can change. no matter what. no matter how old or how young. no matter how many times you have failed. no matter how long you’ve struggled. no matter the fear. no matter the loss or rejection or temptation. there is always redemption. no matter what your story is. don’t give up. don’t. not ever.
change can happen. our front yard is proof of that.
before (more before pics from our mud party) & after:
sam did 99.9% of the work himself. bravo husband! amazing. i painted the chairs orange and brought him water