fix.
i saw it coming a ways off. the way you see brake lights forming like a chain reaction coming at you from a mile away and before you know it, everything comes to a stop. by the time sam got home from work, i was done. really done. i laid on my back, one hand holding in Noelle’s pacifier as she screamed in her swing, while also holding off my boys who came at me like wild animals begging for food, tv, and a basketball game rematch. the day slowly went downhill after our play date and my back (hurt from bouncing my baby) and heart felt like mush. sam came home, released noelle from her prison, i mean swing, held her in one arm and played basketball with the boys with his other. i laid on the ground for another 30 minutes.
he put the kids to bed and i sat by the fire, he came out and asked what i wanted to do the rest of the evening. i wanted to go to sleep. it was 9:00. i didn’t want to talk about anything. didn’t want chocolate or even another episode of friday night lights. i was just so.tired. he nodded and starting shutting down the house. locking doors, closing windows, and i crawled into bed. i didn’t want to cry or talk or do the dishes. i just felt like the day needed to be done.
when we first got married this scenario would have gone much differently. i would have tried to explain the mushiness and you would have tried to fix me. i would tell you how hard the day was and you would try to make it all better by saying or doing something. you would instruct me on how i could do things differently or provide a solution or new formula that would inevitably produce a different outcome. i would get frustrated because i wouldn’t want to be fixed and you would be frustrated because you couldn’t fix me, change me, or make it all go away. we would go to bed, backs turned against each other, leaving a great divide between us. but today was different than 6 years ago. i guess we’ve grown a bit.
instead, you came to bed, turned off the light and asked if you could read to me. you knew i didn’t want to deal with the frustrations and failings of my day. you knew i just needed someone to be with. you read out of the book of Mark. you read about Jesus and the way He came to give life, hope, and love. you read how Jesus healed the paralytic. the story about how four friends broke open a rooftop and dropped their sick friend down to Jesus to be made clean and He did just that, made him clean. i thought about how often you have been that kind of friend to me. the kind that makes a way for me to see Christ when i am unable to see Him myself. i asked you to keep reading and i remembered how reading the Bible used to make me feel guilty, but being here with you, reading to me and wrapped in your arms, made me feel warm. and i fell asleep with my heart still fractured and unfixed. but you’ve learned to stop trying to fix me because fixing used to be about what you could do. and you’ve learned that fixing isn’t about doing. because people aren’t like cars or sinks that can be put back together with new tires and a wrench. people get fixed by a deep presence. a deep abiding love.
p.s. even while a slew of our friends are heading out to party at Pizza Port for valentine’s day, i’ll be happy sharing a booth with you at Applebees (using our gift card from 4 yrs ago) … you and all the other 15 year olds on their first date. happy v-day babe.
is it just me or does he look like he just walked off the cover of a j.crew magazine. common now.
last day to vote for my photograph to be on the cover of a bridal magazine: click here. THANKS!
by anjuli
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