i don’t feel normal yet. is that normal? i asked my dear dutch friend at her home last weekend.
i just keep waiting for something to click inside of me that makes me feel the way i am supposed to feel. but what is that? how am i supposed to feel? with so much transition happening in life (our new baby, the new house, life with three kids, sam back at work) i just keep wondering if how i feel is normal because i want that, we all want that, to just be normal, right? i keep referring to normal as the way life was this past summer… no new baby, no new house, driving 30 minutes to everything, and summer days spent at the beach, jamba juice, and both kids on a lovely little schedule. summer felt normal and i feel like i keep trying to feel the way i did back then. it felt comfortable. it felt right. it felt like i had life under control. i knew how to make life work. and today, i don’t.
sam calls life now the new normal. i am calling normal the new discovery. normal is now, not summer. i feel like choosing to move forward means learning to discover new things about myself and others and being okay with not controlling the outcome. it means being open to change and feeling the pain of growth. i resist my urge to go backwards or to a time when life seemed easier and free of responsibility. i want to discover how life works now in my small world on pinecrest avenue as a mom to three, child of God, sister, wife, friend, and photographer. i want to be moved, opened and changed, even with all of the unknowns. i am learning that all these feelings of not feeling normal, might actually be normal. it is a gift all these feelings and discoveries. one of those really good and painful kinds of gifts. the kind you wish you could return or re-gift but you don’t because deep down you know you would feel guilty. guilty for not receiving life the way it was given and guilty that you weren’t becoming the person you knew you were created to be.