i’d missed my flight from SF to SD by 5 minutes, and yes, I was running. after a 12 hour flight from japan i had to now wait another 4 hours for the next flight home. the kind united airline employee asked if sitting in the emergency exit row was ok for the last leg of my flight and i paused. the truth is i hate flying and more then flying i hate that emergency exit row. there are some people made for emergency circumstances. people like my sister who chose to work as an ER nurse or my friend jenn who thrives under stressful situations and gets stir crazy when things are too calm. i am quite the opposite. when an emergency arises i freeze. my panic comes in the form of being paralyzed. the other thing about that row is i always feel the temptation to pull down that big handle. it’s like standing at the top of a cliff… there is always this urge to jump even though you know death will kindly greet you at the bottom. at this point in the post you are thinking i’m crazy… and i very well could be, but sam always assures me that if i think i’m crazy, i’m not because crazy people don’t think they are crazy. just the fact that i have the thoughts of pulling the big handle down mid-flight just to ‘see what would happen’ should have been enough for me to decline the responsibility, but i didn’t. i said ‘yes’ to the emergency row because 12 hours of no leg space and the desire to just get home were enough for me to accept the task set out before me.
the plane sat for an hour on the tar-mac. something with the engine required the plane to get a closer inspection. perfect. just what i needed, more time to contemplate the worst case scenario and my insufficient ability to be a hero. i distracted myself with angry birds and FB, but then i had a brilliant idea. wikipedia. i needed to find answers. i looked up the first hero that came to mind… that pilot (chesley sullenburger) who landed the plane on Hudson river. note to future fliers out there… might not be the wisest thing to read about a plane crash minutes before take off. and it wasn’t because i started freaking out more, looking around for a flight attendant wondering if it was too late to have my seat changed. i just don’t see myself as a hero, nor do i see myself as someone who would put the needs of others before my own. if the plane went down, i’d be the first one off and i’d probably take my carry on items with me. i say that because in a million little ways i am not good at sacrificing, but i am really good at meeting my own needs. i’ve never been a disciplined person. i am good at dreaming, but when my dreams need feet, i usually run the other way. when i get tired, i give up. all this got me thinking about turning 31 and how this part of myself, the undisciplined part, is one that i always wanted to change. so when i got home i told sam i wanted to be more disciplined. maybe i shouldn’t start by training for a marathon, but small steps like drinking a glass of milk a day or walking to ride-aid for ice cream instead of driving the 1/4 of a mile. i guess i just want to complete something. i want to know that if i put my mind to something, i could finish. so… i’m looking for ideas? any good ones out there? maybe if i can get the discipline thing down for my 31st year of life then when the plane goes down i’ll be able to open the door (at the appropriate time) and help people onto those blow up slides- cause let’s be honest, those slides look like a lot of fun.
(a few peeks of the ‘day after shoot’ i did in Japan!)