my list.
“i feel like i’m running a marathon and the finish line keeps moving,” i said to a dear friend as we sipped on tea and our boys ran wild. i just can’t ever seem to catch up. ever. instead of crossing out things on my list, i mentally keep adding. so many little items that taking time to sit down and write them feels like i am wasting precious time… sew up the stocking that my son pulled apart, put away the remaining folded clothes (why is it those last 10 items feel impossible to put away?!?), take the 409 upstairs to kills the ants and the pee that somehow never makes it into the toilet (thank you oldest son for trying, but could you try a little harder, please. focus, aim, point and shoot.), bring in the lunch pail so the sandwich doesn’t stink up the car, remind sam to pay for preschool, send a happy birthday text. i keep running and my finish line keeps moving. and inside of me a voice whispers, “you need to do more.” and there it is. the mean ugly monster comes out to play. guilt.
things i don’t do.
1. i don’t cook extravagant meals. i keep it simple. spaghetti, hamburgers, eggs and rice.
2. i don’t workout. i had a few years there when i tried. or tried to try.
3. i don’t make baby food. i don’t have that special baby food blender that makes nutritious baby food. and i have felt guilty about this for 3 and a half years.
4. i don’t follow politics.
5. i don’t answer my personal emails in a very timely manner.
6. i don’t garden and every plant i have ever owned has died. this fact alone almost scared me out of having kids.
7. i don’t follow directions (on a map, on a list, over the phone, or in a manual) somehow i missed this lesson in grade school.
8. i don’t have an organizational system to my pantry, fridge, or linen closet: things go where they fit.
9. i don’t read. (unless i am in some sort of book club. which, in that case, is more about the desserts & company than it is about reading)
10. i don’t camp: being really hot in a tent at 6am has never been appealing.
11. i don’t do creative homemade art projects with my kids.
12. i don’t keep up with their baby book.
there it is.
maybe it is me ‘letting go.’ maybe it is me giving myself permission to be free. maybe it is me calling myself back to who i am and finding peace with what i’m not. but here is my list of what i don’t do and these are the things i feel guilty about.all.the.time. i don’t do these things and i am learning to be okay with that. slowly. i guess i think that if i did do these things, and with perfection no less, then i would be the person i really want to be or who i think people want me to be… but not the person i am. and i guess i’m tired of feeling guilty about things that i’m not guilty of.
it makes me realize that i have been doing a whole lot of running for everyone else and if i keep doing this, i’ll have run, but arrived nowhere.
also, i’m still accepting submissions to be a guest blogger for next week’s five days of orange wednesday.
what’s on your don’t do list?
by anjuli
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