i’m tired. my heart feels weighed down and as much as i have tried to wake it up and snap out of this apathetic funk, i can’t. i even bought a book and i’m actually trying to read it. i met up with some old friends, ate chips and salsa, and we laughed until the place cleared out. i drank tea, sat by a fire, and listened to sara groves on repeat. yet, something in me feels silent and i don’t know why. all my attempts to answer my ‘whats wrong with me question’ have failed.
i keep wondering what the space in my chest is… why this cloud of heaviness, why the longing to feel but the absence of feeling? i keep looking for an answer to justify this feeling. like if i could pin-point a circumstance i could dissect it for meaning, patch up my heart, feel better, and move on. but there isn’t a moment when the fog rolled in, a conversation, or an incident… i am just tired. i have a hard time saying “i’m tired” because somewhere in me i believe i should be stronger, more resilient, and able to push through (above and beyond). but the truth is that i am exhausted… for a million different reasons. the exhaustion of life has taken its toll on me, on us. and i suppose it isn’t so much about the circumstances in my life that are so difficult, but it’s what those circumstances bring up in my heart that are so exhausting. and for so long there have been so many circumstances that my heart just.can’t.keep.up.
so, instead, i slowly checked out. my voice became still. my longings laid aside. with people, but not present to people. so many feelings unfelt.
and before i knew it… my heart fell asleep.
possibly one of my favorite pictures of all time. my boys watching the sun disappear.