letting go.
this is not a joke (referring to the pictures below).
my children eat sour cream (this is my husbands doing). and not a day goes by when my family room doesn’t look like a monster size tornado has hit it head on. this is our life. we are constantly battling a losing fight with laundry and when manoah breaks a dish it is somewhat of a relief…one less dish to wash. for a while i fought this battle like an unstoppable rebel force (can you name that movie??). i spent most of my days picking up, cleaning, putting back, reloading the dish washer, taking out trash, sweeping floors, scrubbing counters…and so on. i felt like if i could control and contain the external chaos then my internal chaos would cease. somehow if i just worked hard enough then the wrestling inside of me would be made calm and i would be at peace. in actuality my obsessive need to keep my house organized became a perfect distraction to keep me from peeking into my own tumultuous soul. the truth is, it’s much easier to keep my hands busy than it is to feel the anxiousness that exists below. but when there is disorder stirring internally, it will always find its way out. always.
and through some heart wrenching conversations, i started to let go. let go of my need to keep my house under control, but really to letting my internal chaos come out. to accept, to forgive, and to let go.
and i’m not sayin that i am all that good at letting go. cause i’m not. i am a dreamer and i hold tightly to the ways i think things and people ought to be. and letting go is a death, a dying, a re-writing of how i’ve hoped life would be, but isn’t. it hurts. in every way possible, it hurts. a wound that is swallowed and forgotten will only lay dormant for a season. it will always find its way to the surface. always. and mine found me, the way unsettled issues always do. and in all my fighting to not feel..i finally felt. i finally let go. i let the dishes sit in the sink and the boys dump their toys out all over the bathroom floor. and when all had settled, the tears wept and the house in disarray, i found this…hope. hope to find the good in the chaotic moments and in the imperfection…like when i’ve been wounded by another or when my boys build towers with the couch cushions and eat sour cream (but not everyday… the sour cream thing is stopping. today. got that sam. today!)
(i just have to say that i am totally digging this pink shirt. he has only been mistaken for a girl once and it was totally worth it.)
adorable boy in a pink shirt.
how is your house looking today. and by that i mean letting go.
by anjuli
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